This blog post looks at what exactly asking permission and respecting another person’s choice about their body means. It explains why it is important. Finally, it responds to common doubts people may have that disagree with this approach.
What Does Asking Permission Mean?
Simply put, that all physical affection initiated by the adult is asked first. “Can I have a cuddle?” or “Would you like a kiss?”. It can also mean opening your arms as a gesture for them to come for a hug if they wish. It means fully respecting their decision not to partake. And also not celebrating when they say yes, because that could inadvertently put pressure on them in future situations to say yes to you, as they want to please you.
What Does Respecting Body Autonomy Mean?
Whilst asking permission is important, there are many instances when you have to follow through with making the child do something to their body they don’t want. Most parents know that ‘nooooo’ scream when your child has nappy rash. You can calmly explain, this is not a choice we have as it is very sore and we need to clean it now…
Why Is Seeking Permission Important?
I don’t remember how I was raised regarding affection with my parents or other relatives. However, I have previously felt pressure from different men to kiss, or more, when I haven’t felt ready for that. This pressure was especially in the teenage years, but also occasionally happened in my 20’s before I left the dating scene.
Why is the last paragraph relevant to this question? Because if those men, when boys, were always sought permission before having physical interaction with their loved ones, it would be part of their subconscious when they grow into teenagers and adults. They would have asked and accepted my choice, without being completely unable to accept the possibility of rejection. They would grow to be gentlemen.
Also from the other side of the coin, those partners who feel pressure to do things to keep their partner happy, would instead feel accepted to express how they truly felt about physical interactions with others. They would not fear upsetting the other person, as they’d be used to feeling unconditional love, whether they hug back or not.
Common Doubts To This Consentual Approach
I have met a few people who have doubts about requesting permission for a hug all the time. These people have thrown out a few statements over the years about the gentle approach to physical affection I’ve taken.
OPINION 1: When you’re family, you shouldn’t need to ask for hugs. It’s just a given that two people who love each other don’t ask.
Why on earth should it be assumed that a toddler or child will always want a hug or kiss, just because you’re Daddy? That’s like assuming that a child should clean the house just because you’re Daddy and you’re expecting them to…
This worry may also be in terms of a more distant family member being offended, for example a grandparent. Remember that empathy takes years to develop in a child. We can’t force empathy. If you’re feeling that Granny really wants a hug as she’s poorly, your child is unlikely to be feeling that empathy too. If you know your child may not want affection, instead, a child may want to make Granny a get well soon card for example.
OPINION 2: It removes any natural loving feelings. It takes the connection out of the situation.
It actually shows that you respect their personal space and choice. For anyone feeling this particular doubt, I’ll tell you my story below about my daughter after my consistent requests for physical touch over the years.
What Happens To A Child Who Is Always Asked For Affection
My daughter was 4 years and 9 months old when I did my usual request before bed “Can I give you a cuddle and kiss?” She nodded sleepily. Then out of nowhere she said “Yes, every day. Hug and kiss me every day, don’t ask”. She gave me full approval to give her cuddles and kisses without me having to ask anymore.
I’m not sure how to explain in words how incredible that feels as a parent to hear your child making the choice for frequent affection with their Mummy. It was never my choice to make, and her decision has filled me with full confidence at the approach we took. She also knows that she can still let me know if she’s not up for physical affection on the odd day, because she’s never been judged for the times she said no to me in the past.
Just to mention, one of the people who struggles with the need to ask permission when you love someone is my husband. Also, just to mention that 4 months after my daughter gave me permission to hug and kiss without permission, she is still yet to give that full permission to my husband. And, by the way, she is equally a Daddy’s girl as she is a Mummy’s girl… and he was in bed with us when she gave me that permission. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think she wants to be asked every single time, it helps her feel respected and loved. Until someone is comfortable asking her every time, she likes to hold onto the power to say ‘no’.
Gentle Parent 