I wrote this poem two years ago, when my oldest was 6 years old and my youngest (twins) were 4 years old. I didn’t have, and still don’t have, a support network or ‘village’. It has been ‘intense’, and the intensity is rarely talked about among other parents. Perhaps they have family to help? Perhaps they breeze through parenting easier than me? Perhaps they control their kids to behave a certain way? Who knows, but when I stumbled across this old poem I thought it may help others in my shoes feel less alone.
Context Of Where I was In Life When I Wrote This Poem
Three young children, always with me. 100% of my time was absorbed with them for over 6 years. To be honest, I think it was less the burden of my children but the final straw was my husband’s emotional dysregulation in moments when I felt already overwhelmed. I guess I would have been premenstrual too. I was unhealthy with foods, as a means of comfort for my increasing feelings of isolation and loneliness. Then this poem came from within me.
The Fear Within This Poem
My main fear in this poem was that I couldn’t continue to ‘be everything’ for my family. As Gordon Neufeld says, we weren’t meant to be doing this alone. We were designed to have a family taking care of us so that we could take care of our kids. So it’s no wonder I felt completely overwhelmed on the odd occasion.
Our house still ends up very messy every day as a result of the kids’ constant drive to play. The kids still can have intense emotions but I think they are lessening in intensity. Also the impact of these raw feelings is affecting me less, and I’m confident that these feelings need to be expressed and not suppressed. I’m feeling better able to embrace them, in a similar way to the waves of grief after the death of a loved one. The kids are getting better at communicating feelings and resolving a lot of problems without my help. So for anyone going through the feelings this poem evokes with younger kids… I’d like to reassure that it does get steadily easier with time. The kids evolve, as do you as a parent. Family life changes.
Poem: Running Away From Parenting
You asked me so calmly and politely “Stay in the garden Mama, please.”
As I wanted to run away, never to be seen again.
Set centre stage to burn under a car or fall into a raging river.
Burn me into the ashes of long lost loves
You didn’t seem to notice how utterly unable I was to cope in that moment of time
With the non-stop screaming, mess-making and clinginess, and your Dad climbing up walls
As I update your photo books I see the most adorable, happy and full-of-life little creatures
But when under my feet, I just don’t see it.
My favourite psychologist swears to feel the good you must feel the sad
But why are our lives feeling oh so sad, all the blooming time
Like a razor seeping away at our love and happiness
Even when you’re all happy, it’s a persistent mission to fill your mouths, clean away and try and get through another day
None of you are able to express how you feel for us yet, so there’s rare signs of “love yous” and hugs, dependent on the phase
But overall it’s a big mess of unrequited love
Even my love coming out feels like it’s nowhere near enough for the enormous amount needed from each of you
When there’s three of you depending on me to do this parenting thing well, I just feel like running away
I’m not up to the job. I can’t survive the lack of sleep, or inability to feel loving connection all the time, and calmly accept all of these constant feelings
That’s not just my feelings but 3 little children and a Daddy’s too
That’s a big family of feelings hitting me right in the head
And then I just want to run as far away as I can
What if this is how life is always going to be, sad, angry, frazzled, afraid, unwilling, unable, hurtful, lazy
What if this is how it will always be
Gentle Parent 