My young children were so caring-worried about whether we might accidentally tread on a passing ant, always showing concern to each other or animals in particular. But almost overnight, it seemed, they became 6- and 8-year-olds with a new favourite phrase: “I don’t care!” The empathy I cherished seemed to vanish, replaced by indifference and attitude. Was this just a phrase they’d picked up, or did it signal something deeper-perhaps a feeling of being uncared for themselves? In this post, I’ll share our family’s journey to reconnect and ensure our children truly feel how much we care.
What Is Care?
Care is a fundamental human emotion and action. At its core, care means to feel concern or interest in the well-being of someone or something. It’s the gentle attention we give, the empathy we show, and the responsibility we take for others’ feelings and needs. Care is the glue that binds relationships, families, and communities together.
Care is generally considered a secondary emotion. In emotion classification, secondary emotions often arise as reactions to primary emotions, shaped by personal experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. This means that “care” or “caring” is not a primary, instinctive emotional response but rather a nuanced feeling that develops from more basic emotional states, often rooted in or following primary emotions like love or empathy.
The Evolution of Care in Children
When children are young, their natural empathy can start to shine through. Many young children can instinctively express concern for even the smallest creatures-like the ant mentioned above. This is a beautiful demonstration of their innate capacity for care, unfiltered by social pressures or learned behaviors.
But as children grow, their expressions of care can change. Suddenly, the phrase “I don’t care!” enters their vocabulary. Sometimes it’s said out of frustration, sometimes as a shield, and sometimes simply because they’ve heard it from peers or media. It can be jarring for parents who remember their once-tender toddlers.
Why Do Some Kids Say “I Don’t Care”?
There are a few reasons this phrase becomes so common:
- Testing Boundaries: Children, especially around school age, begin to assert their independence. “I don’t care” can be a way to test limits and see how adults respond.
- Peer Influence: Kids mimic what they hear from friends, TV shows, or older siblings. Sometimes, “I don’t care” is just a phrase they’ve picked up, not a true reflection of their feelings.
- Emotional Shielding: Expressing indifference can be a defense mechanism. If a child feels vulnerable, rejected, or uncared for, they might claim not to care as a way to protect themselves.
- Habit: Like any phrase, it can become a reflexive response, even when it doesn’t fit the situation.
Personal Experience Of Our Kids Losing Their Care
Realising that my children could be shielding their emotions, I felt compelled to understand why they would do this. Dr Gordon Neufeld’s course, the Natural Roots of Empathy, offered valuable insight into why so many children now exclaim, “I don’t care!”. As a society-and as parents-we often, unintentionally, force our children to separate from the things they care about. This can make a child feel guarded about expressing care for something or someone, especially if those things can be taken away by the very people who are supposed to love and protect them.
Armed with this knowledge about the dangers of threatening or taking things away, I felt confident that we were doing well. We identified as ‘gentle parents’ and had spent years practicing kindness and understanding. I knew that removing myself emotionally as a parent through punishments or time-outs could be harmful, and I avoided tactics like the naughty step or threatening to leave the park if they didn’t listen. It was always important to me that my kids knew we would be there for them, no matter what.
But then, during the ongoing bedtime battles, I suddenly realised that both my husband and I had started saying things like, “Well, we won’t be able to have takeaway again if you don’t get to bed,” or “I’ll be too tired to take you to the zoo again…” These were all things our kids genuinely cared about, and we were using them as leverage to control bedtime. It was a wake-up call-a moment of clarity about our own desperate parenting.
Reflecting on our children’s repeated “I don’t care!” responses, I began to see that they were losing interest in things they once loved. It dawned on me that our threats might have been causing them to withdraw their care as a form of self-protection. We decided to stop this approach immediately.
Instead of making threats, we put effort into finding positive ways to make bedtime smoother-talking about the books we’d read together or playing a quick game outside before getting ready. To our surprise, it wasn’t as difficult as we’d feared. Bedtimes have shifted a bit later than before, but thanks to unschooling, we rarely have to be up for anything important before 9am. Going to bed and waking up a little later is a small price to pay for preserving our children’s sense of care and connection.
Helping Children Feel Cared For
The most important antidote is to ensure your children feel deeply cared for, no matter what. Here’s how you can foster that:
- Model Care: Show empathy and concern in your daily interactions, with your children, with others, and even with animals or the environment. Narrate your thought process out loud so they can hear how much care you have for others.
- Acknowledge Feelings: Let your children know their feelings matter, even if you disagree with their words or actions.
- Stay Connected: Spend quality time together, listen without judgment, and offer physical affection.
- Don’t Threaten To Take Away Things They Care About: Avoid threatening to take people or things away from them that they may even slightly care about or enjoy. Instead of trying to control their behaviour, especially during stressful times like bedtime, you’ll find they feel genuinely cared for. When people feel deeply cared for, that care naturally reflects back in how they interact with the world around them.
- Be Patient: Remember, this phase will likely pass. With your support, your children will rediscover their natural capacity for care.
How Did Our Kids React When Things Changed? And How Quickly Did We See Improvements?
We never sat our children down to announce that we’d stopped using threats or taking away things they enjoyed. Instead, my husband and I quietly made a pact: we would support each other in this change and gently remind one another if we slipped back into old habits. Interestingly, our children didn’t seem to notice that anything had changed-at least, not at first.
But within two weeks, something remarkable happened: the “I don’t care” attitude disappeared. Our children’s sense of care and responsibility returned, and over the last four months, we’ve watched them become more thoughtful and compassionate-whether it’s rescuing woodlice from drains or saving a fly from the bath. These small acts have shown me, more than anything, that children thrive when they feel our unconditional care. When they feel cared for, they naturally begin to care about their belongings, other people, and even the smallest creatures.
What Were Some Challenges When Trying To Get The Kids To Do Things, The Different Way
My husband was especially worried about how we’d manage bedtime without threats or bribes. We experimented with gentler approaches:
- Making it fun: Sometimes I’d gently touch the toothbrush to their lips and say, “Open up!” hoping their reflexes would take over. It worked a few times-until they caught on!
- Shifting responsibility: We explained that it’s their job to care for their teeth, and our job to make sure they get enough sleep. We’d say, “You need to start brushing in the next 30 seconds if you care about your teeth, or we’ll have to put the toothbrushes away and get to bed.”
- Adding joy: We started reading stories while they brushed, turning toothbrushing into a time they looked forward to. If your kids love screens, you might say, “I found a great music video to watch while you brush,” instead of threatening to take screen time away.
Once we committed to not using threats or consequences, the answers for how to motivate our kids became much clearer. And as their sense of care returned, we found they were more willing to do the things we asked-no threats required.
Final Thoughts
Changing our approach wasn’t always easy, but the results have been worth it. If you’re considering a similar shift, know that it might take a little time, but the transformation-in your children and in your relationship with them-can be truly beautiful.
Have you tried moving away from threats or consequences in your parenting? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below!
Gentle Parent 