I once asked my friend, who was formerly a counsellor, “Why are you doing this Jimmy? Willing to come out all hours to listen to me cry and be so angry? I don’t understand!”. His simple reply was “One day you will understand.” Until a few years ago, I still couldn’t understand at all why he would put himself and his personal time aside to be present with me at my lowest point in life. Now I have three young children, the question has been reversed into: “why would you do this, day in day out, for years on end?!”. Here’s why.
The Importance of the Question ‘Why’
Many people facing deep emotional pain have asked themselves why someone would choose to stand by them through their darkest times. This question often arises in moments of extreme vulnerability—when life feels overwhelming, and support seems beyond reach. One might wonder, “Why would anyone willingly spend their time to listen to my struggles, my anger, or my tears?”
Friends who offer their presence without judgment do so for reasons that may become clearer with time. For some, it is a profound sense of compassion—a willingness to be with another person’s pain, not to fix it but to simply be there. This type of friendship can be life-saving for those in despair, providing a powerful reminder that they are not alone.
As people grow into different roles in life, such as becoming parents, the question naturally evolves: Why commit to caring for a vulnerable child day after day, year after year? This commitment reflects an even deeper embrace of vulnerability, patience, and unconditional love—a daily choice to nurture and protect.
Benefits of Vulnerable Friendships / Raising Children
It may sound like a strange question targeting vulnerable people. Honestly, it’s not. But why do some people enjoy caring for vulnerable people?
Vulnerable friendships offer profound value—for both sides. They build deep empathy, authenticity, and trust because vulnerability breaks down walls and encourages genuine connection. For those who choose to support someone in their vulnerable moments, it’s a chance to practice compassion and make a meaningful difference. For the person receiving support, it’s a lifeline—a reminder they are seen, heard, and loved, even at their worst.
When raising children, this idea extends further. Choosing to love and care for a vulnerable baby and child is embracing the raw unpredictability of life, with all its messiness and beauty. It teaches patience, unconditional love, and resilience. Parenting someone vulnerable deepens our humanity by showing us how to nurture and stand steadfast in the face of uncertainty.
In both friendship and parenting, vulnerability forges stronger bonds and enriches life with purpose, meaning, and connection. It’s not about weakness; it’s about the courage to show up and stay, no matter what happens. It’s saying—and meaning—“You can count on me. I am not judging, and I care about you, no matter what.” Isn’t that a special sort of relationship, whether friend or family, to hold on to forever?
Before my friend Jimmy died, he wondered how he could live on forever. I explained it would be through the happy memories and positive difference he’s made to so many people’s lives. He was genuinely grateful for my reflection. And here is the evidence, around 10 years after his death, that Jimmy still lives on. As do my deceased father, my deceased Nana, and all of the other people who have brought me those feelings of worth through the dark times when I felt worthless. These are the people who will live on forever, carried in the love and memories shared with those of us still here. This is how children can hold onto their parents, even beyond their parent’s life.
In acknowledging these connections, I hope this reflection invites you to consider the people who have held space for you in your hardest moments, or those whom you may hold space for now. It is in these profound, vulnerable relationships that life finds its deepest meaning.
Poem: Why Stand By Me
I asked my friend one tearful night,
“Why stand beside me through my plight?
Why listen when my tears won’t dry,
Why stay when I just scream ‘why why why’?”
His simple words came soft and true:
“One day this all will make sense to you.”
Years passed by, and now I see,
The depth of love that stays for me.
Jimmy saw the fading flame in me,
A flicker waiting for the wind,
Needing one more breath to live,
Kindled gently by his enduring care.
He spent so many days and weeks
Just ‘being there’ with nothing in return
And it saved my life, and gave me strength
Growing my independence to fly alone again.
I flew from him whilst he thrived on
And started my life over, somewhere new.
Until two years later, an email came to break the news
It started “There is no way of sugar coating this one…”
After the birth of my three little souls
I felt the weight of their fragile holds.
Without my love, they’d drift and fall—
So small, so much depended on giving my all.
Just before Jimmy died, my Dad had too,
But the value they both held in me still holds true.
Through storms of solo parenting’s tide,
Their care still flows through me, deep inside.
So ask yourself when life gets tough,
Why stand by those who are so insanely helpless?
Because that love’s purest plea.
The answer lies in “Why stand by me?”
For each of my children, I aim high—
To be like Jimmy was: considerate and kind,
To embrace the chaos with steady care,
And offer an eternal flame, a love that lingers on… and on.
Gentle Parent 