Have you ever felt torn between wanting your child to be independent and worrying about what might happen if you let go? You’re not alone.
Autonomy is defined as “the ability to make your own decisions without being controlled by anyone else”. Thinking of our kids, the more control we give our children, the less stress they experience. As children gain autonomy, parents naturally have less direct control. Studies have found that this reduced parental control increases the parents stress-levels, although you are in control in how to reduce that stress, which will be discussed later in this post.
Does More Autonomy Really Reduce Stress?
This blog post was inspired by a talk by Dr. William Stixrud. The more autonomy a person has, the less stress they experience, and vice versa… So the less control we have as parents, the more stress we have to take on. To reduce stress, if we switched our parenting to methods of controlling our children, such as times outs or bribery and threats, then the more stress our kids have. Considering personal experiences of a controlling mother and the school system with high class numbers and governmental curriculum requirements, it is clear both of those offered very little autonomy.
In contrast to reduced autonomy of children in schools, unschooling by nature means the child has a lot of freedom to choose what they learn and when. As the unschoolers’ parent, we make sure to provide experiences and skills when they show interest. This sounds like that means very little control for me, and therefore a greater extent of stress. Whilst this can be true at times, it is also highly rewarding to see our children thrive into the humans they deserve to become.
Unschoolers allowing a lot of freedom of choice for their children to reduce childhood stress was supported by a study by Neufbauer, et al., in 2021 during the pandemic. It highlighted that parents supporting autonomy is associated with improved well-being in children. This study also found that supporting a child’s autonomy can make parents feel satisfied. It is reassuring to feel you are enabling your child to become truly who they were destined to be. You also experience less counterwill or resistance since you’re not the one making the demands.
Why Should We Allow More Autonomy and Less Stress For Our Children?
There are many studies providing evidence that increasing the control of our children, for example through authoritarian parenting, in turn increases the stress of the children. One of the most recent studies was this one in 2025 on Indonesian adolescents. This found that the more authoritarian parenting was applied, the higher the level of stress experienced by adolescents.
Plenty of studies claim that there can be a substantial effect of stress on a child throughout childhood, through the teenage years and into adulthood. A study in 2024 found a link between aggressive parenting and depression. A study in 2021 linked adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) with a greater risk of childhood obesity. And in case you needed another example, a review of studies in 2021 found vast science linking stress to negatively effect multiple biological systems.
This vast number of scientific research, linking stress to negative health effects, makes it clear that we should reduce stress on our children. Does that need to be done through increasing autonomy? Or are there other effective approaches?
While there are many ways to support children’s well-being, increasing their autonomy stands out as especially powerful. When children are given appropriate freedom to make choices, solve problems, and express themselves, they are more likely to develop resilience, confidence, and a sense of responsibility.
If you’re not convinced about this last paragraph, I’d highly recommend doing some of Dr Gordon Neufeld’s online courses for an experienced psychologist’s view on the importance of expressing all feelings. Dr Neufeld’s courses also help you understand how a supportive environment can help children mature. Feelings are the key to people developing empathy, resilience, and care, to name a few.
The above findings provide evidence that increased autonomy reduces stress. It surely also prepares children for the challenges of adulthood. Adults are generally more able to choose what they do and when, except in most workplaces. So practicing the cause-and-effects of choices at a younger age would give a wider experience by the time they reach adulthood. By fostering an environment where children feel trusted and supported, rather than controlled, we help them thrive both emotionally and physically. Ultimately, allowing more autonomy and reducing unnecessary stress is not just beneficial for children’s immediate happiness, but also for their long-term health and success.
What About Our Needs, As Parents? The Parental Paradox: Autonomy and Anxiety
While we strive to give our children more autonomy, it’s natural for us, as parents, to feel a loss of control, and with it, an increase in anxiety and stress. Whilst a study carried out by Small, Eastman and Cornelius in 1988 is younger than I am, the findings of it are so clear. The stress for mothers raising adolescents of ages 10-17 was significantly increased as their children’s autonomy increased. This is a paradox many modern parents face: we want our children to thrive, but the very process that helps them (letting go) can make us feel vulnerable and uncertain.
Why Is It So Stressful To Let Go?
- Instinct to Protect: Our parental instincts are wired for protection and guidance. Letting go can feel like we’re abandoning our duty.
- Fear of Mistakes: We worry that if we step back, our children might make mistakes or get hurt – emotionally, socially, academically, or physically.
- Societal Pressure: There’s constant signals from some of our modern society about “good parenting,” and it often equates control with care.
- Loss of Identity: For many of us, parenting is a huge part of identity. As children gain independence, it can feel like we’re losing a part of ourselves.
Practical Ways To Give Kids More Autonomy Whilst Reducing Stress on Parents
In light of the increased stress associated with our children’s autonomy, here are some thoughts to help parents well-being.
- Redefine Success: Shift from seeing control as success to viewing your child’s growth and independence as the real win.
- Build Trust: Remind yourself of your child’s capabilities and the resilience they’re developing.
- Self-Compassion: Allow yourself to feel the discomfort of letting go. It’s normal! Practice self-compassion and seek support from other parents on the same journey.
- Stay Connected: Autonomy doesn’t mean detachment. You will still likely be very involved in your children’s lives through their constant questions and their seeking to understand the world around them. Stay emotionally available, listen actively, and offer guidance when it’s sought.
- Find Your Own Growth: Try to focus on activities outside of your children that bring you joy. This could involve some sort of play, e.g. singing, dancing, writing, drawing. You can do most of these even whilst looking after your autonomous kids. Interruptions are likely, but it can help bring something else to focus on.
Boundaries For Safety And Development
While this post strongly encourages increasing autonomy for children, it’s important to recognise that there are times when children may not yet be mature enough to fully understand what is safe. In these situations, they require guidance and, at times, firm boundaries – especially when it comes to potentially addictive aspects of life, such as screen time.
To be clear, advocating for greater autonomy does not mean allowing permissiveness in all areas. Instead, it’s about finding a thoughtful balance: giving children the freedom to make choices and learn from them, while also providing the structure and support they need to stay safe and develop healthy habits.
Conclusions
Ultimately, increasing our children’s autonomy is a gift not just for them, but for us as well. It challenges us to grow, adapt, and trust-qualities that serve us and our children in all areas of life. By modelling healthy coping strategies and openness to change, we teach our children not just how to handle freedom, but how to handle life.
What are your thoughts on stress vs autonomy? Do you thinks it’s better to control your children’s lives or are you confident finding ways to allow them more freedom of choice? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments box below.
Gentle Parent 