This poem is about living with grief and sadness while continuing to love, parent, and be present. It’s about longing for happiness without wanting to lose the depth that comes from feeling everything. It’s about worrying that screens, exhaustion, and everyday struggles might overshadow the love our children remember, even when we’re trying our best. It’s also about what happens when emotions—especially grief and tears—aren’t fully expressed for years, only to surface later in life with a force that feels endless.
Poem: Where The Darkness Lives
I am carrying such sadness within
I don’t even know where much of it comes from
Yes, I’ve had my traumatic relationships and upheavals
And yes most of the closest people to me have long ago died
But this sadness it lingers even when I know I’m feeling happier
Like at any moment I could burst into tears
About the missing, the longing, the waiting
And the hush of a beautiful song or an emotional story could cause the flood gates to release
I don’t want these emotions to go away,
I just want the better ones to have a more stable place too
So there’s room to bounce out of bed in the morning,
Rather than lie feeling like it’s just too unbearable to see
Images flash through my mind of loved ones and good times
But they’re getting so very blurry now
And I was hoping years of tears would clear the view
But it’s just getting even foggier
And the longer I’ve lived, the less anybody truly understands me
And the more I keep wishing to be a better person
So my kids will one day lie down in bed, unable to rise,
because they remember how deeply they were loved
My ultimate fear: Even the worst parents are missed and I don’t want to be missed because I’m gone
I want to be missed because I loved them well
And that can feel impossible when you’re full of such grief yourself
Like I feel about my Dad, even though parts of him were so broken in comparison
But the state of me when I look at myself is just survival,
Just hooked into screens and exhaustion and desperation to sleep
And the moments of needing my family to know how special they are,
Without being able to praise or compliment
Just accepting them for who they are and all of their outpours of emotion
And I realise there is so much, it’s so vast, and I never expressed like this when I was tiny
So no wonder I feel so misty now, even though I’ve cried and screamed
and only my nose has been above water for so long, whilst the rest of me has continued sinking
And the darkness lingers on
Even though smiles have started gleaming as I dance or cuddle or receive my child’s gift of love
That darkness will always be.
Gentle Parent 